Stranger anxiety, explained
Stranger anxiety! Babies can become very clingy and anxious around new and even familiar people and may cry if suddenly approached by a stranger. While it may be cringe-inducing for you as a parent, it’s actually a very normal part of your baby’s development. Stranger anxiety happens because your baby has reached an important milestone: They’re now able to tell the difference between people they know well and those they don’t.
It can be jarring if your baby used to coo and smile at people they’d never seen before, but now puckers up and cries when someone comes over to say hello. Babies will do this even if the person isn’t a complete stranger: It may happen even around people they’ve met before and spent time with, like your great-aunt Martha or that babysitter you had a couple weeks ago.
There’s actually an evolutionary reason for your baby’s fear: Back in caveman times, infants needed to stay close to family members for their survival. Unfamiliar people represented a threat.
Stranger anxiety often develops around the same time as separation anxiety, and they’re closely related. Both happen as babies form attachments to their primary caregivers, gain an understanding of object permanence (that people still exist when out of sight), and recognize the difference between familiar and unfamiliar people. Eventually, your child will outgrow both separation anxiety and stranger anxiety.
When does stranger anxiety start?
Stranger anxiety usually begins at 8 or 9 months, right around the time your baby’s able to distinguish the familiar from the unfamiliar. But how long it lasts, and its intensity, varies from child to child. Stranger anxiety usually ends once your little one is 2 to 3 years old.
During this time, your child may be open and affectionate with you, but clingy and anxious around people they don’t know, or don’t know well. Well-meaning relatives may tell you that you’re spoiling your baby by soothing their fears. You’re not! This is a normal developmental stage. And when your baby clings to you for comfort, it shows that your little one has a healthy bond with you.
Though stranger anxiety is normal, talk to your child’s doctor if it doesn’t start to lift around age 2, or if it seems extreme – for example, if your baby gets so upset they’re unable to eat, drink, or settle down for a nap without you there. There’s some evidence that chronically high levels of stranger fear or sharply increasing levels of stranger fear over time may be linked to greater risk for anxiety early in life.
What if my baby only wants Mom?
No need to worry – this is actually quite common. Most babies develop an especially strong attachment to their primary caregiver, which is often Mom. This may change as they grow into toddlerhood: Don’t be surprised if your child switches back and forth between favorite people and insists on having just that person change their diaper or put them to bed.
This phenomenon is part of a child’s normal emotional development. But it can be exhausting when your baby insists on having only you 24-7. It’s a good idea, as much as possible, to not bow to your baby’s demands. Try to involve all regular caregivers in daily care and routines. Always acknowledge your baby’s emotions, saying for example, “I know how sad you feel that Mama isn’t doing bathtime. But it’s Dada’s turn tonight.”
Here are things you can do to make it easier when you leave your baby with your partner or another caregiver:
- Try to leave when your baby is rested and fed.
- Make goodbyes short, sweet, and consistent. Then have the other person distract your baby with something like food or a toy as you leave.
- Introduce a comfort object like a blankie or lovey so your baby has something to comfort them when you’re gone.
- When you leave, tell your baby where you’re going and that you’ll be back. They may not understand at first, but they will eventually.
- Never sneak out or leave without saying goodbye – it will make your baby more afraid that you’ll disappear.
How to help your child with a fear of strangers
It can be awkward when you hand your baby over to Grandma or another relative and your little one lunges back toward you. But try not to be upset or embarrassed when your baby cries in someone else’s arms. Your child needs your patience and understanding to get through this very important stage of development.
To calm your baby down, take them back and hold them yourself. If you explain that your child is going through a normal phase, your friends and relatives should understand.
Here are other ways to cope with stranger anxiety:
- Ask others to use slow, gentle movements when they approach your baby.
- Since your baby responds to your cues, it’s helpful if you’re calm and relaxed when meeting anyone who’s new to your baby.
- Be aware that your child may be more anxious around new people when they’re tired, hungry, or sick.
- If your child refuses to be held by a friend, relative, or caregiver, try a slow desensitization process. First, work on having them be comfortable in your arms while the other person is around. Then, have the person talk and play with your child while you hold them. Then, hand your child over to the other person for a short time and stay close. Finally, try to leave the room for a few minutes, and see how it goes. If your child bawls, try again. Go in and out of the room and eventually, your child will be secure in the knowledge that even though you’re not around at the moment, you’ll always return.
You don’t have to avoid being around new people or introducing new faces, even when your child is in the thick of stranger anxiety. They’ll benefit from getting used to being around people other than their parents.
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